HELP 4 SUNDAY -HUMOR PACKAGE (Volume I) Nearly 30 Pages of Help 4 Sunday's proven winners. Jokes from June 1998 through March 1999. Here are 100 QUALITY JOKES to enhance your upcoming messages. Maximize your preparation time; just CUT & PASTE them into your manuscripts. Humor relaxes people, keeps the attention of your congregation and softens the heart so that the true message can hit home. "A cheerful heart is good medicine." (Proverbs 17:22) For more information about our monthly E-Mail magazine, call toll free 1-888-323-8200. Or check out our web site at www.help4Sunday.com Duplication, Forwarding or Re-transmission without the approval of Whirlwind Resources/Help 4 Sunday, is prohibited. * denotes that this joke was a Joke of the Month TS-denotes a possible Transitional Sentence 141J- Adversity When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned, but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again, but stayed where he was. Finally, the exasperated usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," the man mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" the cop asked. Painfully Joe responded, "The Balcony!" 151J--Adversity A policeman pulled over two older ladies. The driver said, "Officer, I wasn't speeding. I was only doing 17 mph. The policeman said, "Maam, that's the problem, you can't go 17 mph on the interstate. There's a minimum speed limit of 45 mph." She said, "But there was a sign back there that said, 17." He said, "Maam, that's Route 17, not a speed limit sign. Then he looked over at her companion who looked terrified. Her hair was sticking straight up, her eyes were bugging out. The officer asked, "Is she all right?" The driver said, "I don't know what her problem is, but I think it began back there on Route 222!" J101-Adversity/Flexibility Little boy and girl pretending to be married were all dressed up and went to visit their next door neighbor. She played right along serving them cookies and lemonade as she chatted about their marriage. After awhile she offered to refill their large glasses of lemonade. To which the young wife replied, "No thank you, we'll have to be going, my husband just wet his pants." J131 - Adversity I heard about a guy going on a weekend mountain trip. He had had a horrible weekend. He was driving his car up to his cabin in the mountains. On his way up, the car ran out of gas. He got out and slammed the door. He started walking down the road. Just as he was getting around a curve, he heard all this squealing and brakes. Some car hit his car, knocked it over the cliff. He gets up there. He cannot believe it. He decides he is going to walk to his cabin and call somebody for help. So he gets to his cabin and is there in time to discover lightening struck his cabin. It was burning to the ground. He went over to a tree and started beating his head on the tree. "God, why me,God! Why me!". The heavens opened up and a loud voice boomed down. "Some people just tick me off! That is why!" TS: Do we serve a God like that? I hope not! The Bible says that God allows it to rain on the just and the unjust and that we occasionally must reap the consequences of our own sin or of the sin of Adam. But the Bible also says that God is a just and loving God who "works all things for the good of those who love him." (Romans 8:28) J121--Aging The following are changes that NASA had to make to accommodate 76 year old John Glenn's return to space: All important devices now are operated by the Clapper, Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees, Top speed of the shuttle is set at 25 miles per hour, Installed a new bifocal windshield, The left blinker will be left on for the entire mission. *J102-America Three people were traveling inside a small cramped coach of a train. There was a Lieutenant, a Private and a beautiful young lady. During the trip they passed through a mile long tunnel where they were engulfed in darkness. Half way through there was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by a loud slap. When they came back into the light the Lieutenant was nursing a very swollen jaw. The young lady thought, that Lieutenant must have tried to kiss me and accidentally kissed the private so he slapped him. The Lieutenant thought, that private must have kissed her in the darkness, and she tried to hit him and instead hit me. The Private just leaned back with a smile on his face and thought to himself, "Where else but in America could a private kiss the back of his hand, slug a Lieutenant and get away with it!" J111-Blame One day Adam was walking with his two sons, Cain and Abel. As they were walking past the garden of Eden, a tall fence blocked their view. Adam said, "Come here boys, I want to show you something." He lifted each of them up. And they said, "Wow, Dad, it's beautiful, its like a perfect paradise. Dad, what is it?" And Adam said, "Boys, that's where we could be livin' if your mom hadn't eaten us out of house and home." TS-We love to pass the buck and put the blame on somebody else. J122--Burden Bearing/Parenting Clara Null, a young mother from Oklahoma City says, "It was one of the worst days of my life; the washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill that I had no money to pay. Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year old into his highchair, leaned my head against the tray and began to cry. Without a word my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine." (Christian Reader, September/October 1995, p. 5) 171J--Change/Transformation A Country farmer and his boy ventured to the big city for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Boy, Go get your Mama." TS--You are a new creation, the old has gone the new has come. 191J--Change The stock market report for today: Helium was up, Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Weights were up in heavy trading. Balloon prices were inflated. Coca Cola fizzled. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Hiking equipment was trailing while diapers remained unchanged! 142J--Christian Life/Inconsistency A Prayer to God I want to thank you Lord, for being close to me so far this day. With your help, I haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy, judgmental, or envious of anyone. But, I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I think I'll need your help then! Amen. 172J--Christmas Why was the wise men's hair synged? Because "they came from aFarr!" (Kentucky accent will help!) 192J--Commitment/Priorities A guy was at the Super Bowl and he was astonished to see an empty seat on the 3rd row on the fifty yard line. He asked the man seated beside it, if he knew why there was an open seat for such a huge game. The man kind of put his head down and said, "Well actually, the seat belongs to my late wife, she was a big football fan." The other guy, said, "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you have found a friend or relative to use her ticket?" And the man said, "No, they're all at the funeral." J103-Commitment A young American engineer was sent to Ireland for a year. When he left, his fiancee gave him a harmonica. She said, "I want you to learn to play this to keep your mind off those Irish girls." He wrote and told her he was practicing the harmonica every night. After a year she met him at the airport, he grabbed her to kiss her and she pushed back and said, "Wait before you kiss me, I want to hear you play the harmonica." TS-- The proof of diligence is integrity when no on is looking. 173J--Communication A five-year old boy made coffee for his grandmother one morning. While it wasn't the best, she had had worst. But when she got to the bottom of the cup she noticed three green army men swimming around. She said, "Why are those in there?" And the boy replied, "It's just like they say on TV Grandma, the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" 152J--Communication Yogi Berra - isms "Never answer an anonymous letter." "I usually take a two hour nap from one to four." "When you come to a fork in the road take it" "I didn't really say everything I said." "The future ain't what it used to be." Yogi's comment about Ruggerio's restaurant in St. Louis -- "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded." "Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical." "You can observe a lot just by watching." "Always go to other people's funerals, other wise they won't come to yours." 193J--Comparison/Jealousy A young man said to his girlfriend, I may not be able to afford to buy you nice gifts like Johnny Green could, but I care about you, and I may not have the good looks that a Johnny Green does, but I promise to treat you right, and I may not have an expensive sports car like Johnny Green, but I can drive you where you need to go, because I love you completely. The girl replied, "Well I kind of like you too, but could you tell me more about this Johnny Green guy?" J132 -- Contentment / Complaining. A guy decided he wanted to become a monk. He wanted to particularly be in one of those places where you couldn't speak at all. He met the superintendent of the monastery who said, "In just a few minutes, you won't be able to say anything for one year. Then when we meet again, you can share just a few words." After twelve months he hadn't spoken a word. He met with the superintendent of the monastery who said, "You can say two words." The monk thought for a long time and said, "Room cold." Another year went by. He met with the superintendent again and said two words. "Food bad." Another year passed, and he got to speak again. He said, "Bed hard." The superintendent just shook his head. After another year, he finally said, "I quit." The superintendent said, "I am not surprised. All you have done since you have been here is complain." J133 -- Courage. A couple came rushing into the dentist's office. The husband said, "I need a tooth pulled and I'm in a terrible hurry. I don't have time for anesthesia or Novocain - just pull the thing." The dentist said, "I've never seen such bravery! Which tooth is it?" The man looked at his wife and said, "Show him your tooth, honey." 161J- Courage A group of young Navy recruits were undergoing a course in combat swimming. The program included jumping into a pool from a twelve-foot high diving board. One of the recruits walked tentatively out to the end of the board, but he froze there, and could not jump. "You had better jump, boy!" his drill instructor ordered. Still the fellow hesitated. "What would you do," the instructor yelled, "if that diving board was a sinking ship?" The unnerved recruit said, "I'd wait until it sank about ten more feet!" 194J--Creativity/Ingenuity A man's wife fell and broke her leg so he immediately called 911. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" 162J--Discipline/Desire James Dobson tells of a family that related an incident. A little kid kept trying to put off falling to sleep by yelling downstairs to his dad, "Daddy, can I have a drink of water?" No, the father would respond, Go on to sleep. This occurred several times, until finally the exasperated father said, "If you say another word, I'm coming up there to give you a spanking." There was silence for about a minute and then you heard a little voice say, Daddy, on your way up to spank me would you bring me a drink of water?" 153J--*Desire A teenage girl started dating the football star of the county high school team. He had a habit of always arriving at the house as the girl's family sat down for dinner. They would awkwardly invite him in for supper. Finally the father said to his daughter, "That boy is eating us out of house and home, you've got to tell him to come AFTER dinner." The next night as they sat down at the table the doorbell rang. The father said, "I'll get it." When he opened the door, there stood the country boy. The angry father said, "Didn't my daughter tell you to come AFTER dinner?" The boy said, "Yes sir, that's what I come after." J112-Direction/Guidance A group wanted to go hiking in southern Kentucky; so they hired a man who claimed to be the best guide in the state. They hiked for a few hours, and pretty soon they noticed the guide had a perplexed look on his face. Soon they noticed they were going in circles, and apparently were lost. One of the hikers said, "I thought you were the best guide in Kentucky?" The guy said, "That's just it. I'm afraid we're in Tennessee!" TS--If you are following the wrong guide or if you are learning from a teacher who doesn't know the truth, you will be led astray. 195J--Direction As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's some nut going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" Herman replied, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" *J123--Education/Potential Wayne Smith used to tell about an unemployed man who applied for a job as janitor at the First Baptist Church. The preacher asked him to fill out employment forms and discovered he couldn't read or write. Since he was illiterate he didn't get the job, but they did give him a basket of apples to help him. He ate a few and sold a few to people on the street. With the money he made he bought some more apples and sold them. Pretty soon he had a profitable fruit stand on the corner. In a few years the fruit stand became a buzzing business and he took a million dollars in cash to the local bank to open an account. The banker asked him to fill out appropriate forms and he said, "I can't read or write." The surprised banker said, "You can't read or write and yet you've built a million dollar business. Do you know where you'd be if you were educated?" He said, "Yeah, I'd be the janitor of the First Baptist Church!" TS Knowledge isn't always the answer. 143J--Education/Modern A modern first grade math test asked the question, "If there are 4 birds sitting on a branch and 3 fly away, how would the remaining bird feel?! 144J--Eternal Destiny/Politics Following a campaign speech several years ago, a young man approached Senator Everett Dirksen and said, "Senator, I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter," to which Dirksen replied, "Son, If I were St. Peter, you couldn't vote for me...you wouldn't be in my district!" 145J--Eternity/Life The following was seen on a Boston Tombstone Stop here my friend and cast an eye, where you now stand, so once was I. Where I now lie, so you shall be, so prepare for death and follow me. Someone had scribbled beside it: To follow you, I'm not content, until I know which way you went! J104-Eternity An overzealous preacher felt it was his calling to aggressively "make" people become Christians as they would ride on the city bus system. One day a drunk stumbled onto the bus that the preacher was on. He sprang into and shook his family Bible in the face of the inebriated man and yelled, "Did you know you're headed for Hell?" And the drunk replied, "Oh, no, I'm on the wrong bus again!" TS-The world doesn't need to be told it's going to hell; the world needs to be shown, how to get to heaven. 181J-Evangelism/Church One afternoon a pastor went out calling on his church members. He went up to one home where the door was open, but the screen door was closed. He could see the TV was on, but no one answered. So he wrote on his card, the verse Revelation 3:20, "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone will open I will come." A few days later, he received his card in the mail, on it a woman had written, Genesis 3:10, "I heard thy voice, and I was naked, so I hid myself." J134 -- Evangelism / Preaching. In a Monastery in Germany there was a young man studying to be a monk and he was nervous about preaching. He was scared to death to do any public speaking. He went to the headmaster and said, "I will do anything you want me to do, but don't ask me to preach. I'll scrub floors, I'll work out in the fields, I'll do anything, but don't ask me to preach." The wise headmaster knew the very thing this man needed to do to was to conquer his fears, so he said "Tomorrow you are preaching in chapel." The young man got up before his peers. He was nervous, his mind wentblank,and he said, "Do you know what I'm going to say?" They all shook their heads in the negative. He said, "Neither do I. Let's stand for the benediction." Naturally the headmaster was upset. He approached the young man and said, "I'm going to give you a second chance. Tomorrow you are preaching again, but no more tricks." The next day the nervous young man again got up to speak. He said"Brothers,do you know what I'm going to say?" This time they all nodded their heads yes. He said, "Since you already know, lets all stand up and have the benediction." Again, the headmaster was upset with him, but he gave him one more chance.He told him to quit pulling those tricks. So the young man got up the next day and said, "Brothers, do you know what I'm going to say?" Half the heads shook yes, and half the heads shook no. He said "Let those who know, tell those who don't. Let's stand for the benediction." 182J--*Faith A bible study group was discussing the miracle that God performed when he parted the Red Sea and allowed a million Israelites to walk through, on dry land to safety. A visitor to the group who always questioned the accuracy of the Bible, tried to explain the miracle away. He said, "The Red Sea was very shallow in some parts, and with a little wind the sand is exposed and a couple of inches of water could easily be displaced. That's why it is easy to understand how they could walk through." One perceptive member said, "If you believe that, that makes it even a greater miracle that God worked." The man said, "How's that?" The believer said, "That God was able to drown the Egyptian army in two inches of water!" J113-Father's Day A workaholic father volunteered to watch the children while his wife went out with friends. Although he was unaccustomed to the job, he sent the kids up to bed at the proper time, and settled down to read. Like a yo-yo, one kid kept bouncing to the bottom of the stairs, but Daddy kept sending him back up. About 9:30, the next door neighbor knocked and inquired if her son were there. The man said, "No, he's not." But from upstairs a little kid shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me come down!" J114-Father's Day "Mommy, if the stork brings us babies, and Santa Claus brings us presents, and the Lord gives us our daily bread, and Uncle Sam provides us with Social Security, why do we keep Daddy around?" J115-Fathers/Appreciation Several years ago Johnny Carson said, "My son gave me a paper which read, 'To the man who has inspired me with his fatherly wisdom.'" Carson said, "Son I didn't know you felt that way about me." His son said, "I don't, can you fax this to Bill Cosby?" 183J--Fear/Wisdom Two gas company service men, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked there way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck, to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized that the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, "When I see two gas men running full speed away from my house, I figured I had better run too." J105-Forgiveness/Tolerance It's like the guy who received his paycheck and the amount was $100 too much. The next week they corrected it and took out $100. So he went to the Payroll office and complained about them making errors. They said, "You didn't complain last week." The man quickly replied, "Well yeah, I can tolerate one mistake, but it's getting to be a habit!" TS-If something affects us in an adverse fashion we have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting. J125--Generosity/Worship Joke A father complained all the way home about the church service. The music was too loud. The sermon was too long, the announcements were unclear. But his observant son spoke up from the back seat and said, "Dad, you have to admit it wasn't a bad show for a dollar!" 164J--Generosity Every night, Mrs. Hollis Sharpe of southern California took her miniature poodle, Jonathan, out for a walk . She always took with her a plastic bag so that after her dog would make a mess in someone's yard , she could clean up after Jonathan. During their walk on the night of November 13, 1974, Jonathan finished doing his duty, and they were returning home when a mugger jumped from behind some bushes attacked her from behind, shoved Hollis Sharpe to the ground, grabbed her plastic bag, jumped into the car, and drove off with the spoils of his crime. Although Mrs. Sharpe sustained a broken arm, she still maintained a sense of humor. She told the police, "I only wish that there would have been more for him in the bag!" 174J--Generosity. A man inherited ten million dollars. He had a bad heart so the family decided to let his minister gently break the good news to him so that he wouldn't have a heart attack. So the minister, rather non-chalantly said, "What would you do if you were to inherit ten million dollars?" Without batting an eye, the man said, "Why, I'd give half of it to the church." And the minister dropped dead of a heart attack! 165J--Giving/Stewardship There's a sign along an old country road that says, George Jones, Veterinarian /Taxidermist-Either way you'll get your dog back! J116-Heritage/Honesty I heard about a family who wanted to give their father a gift of the family tree for his 65th birthday. They hired a researcher and went to work. A few days later he called and said, He had some bad news. In his research he had found that Uncle Harry in the family tree, not only went to prison but was electrocuted. They asked the researcher if he could do something about it and he said he already had and wanted to know if the following was okay. "Uncle Harry occupied a chair of applied electricity at one of our important government institutions. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and death came as a real shock. TS-People don't want to face the facts. 154J-Honesty/Pride The other day I golfed with a club pro. After we played, I asked him, "Well, what do you think of my game?" He shrugged his shoulders and replied, "It's all right, I suppose, but I still prefer golf." J106-Hope A seasick passenger leaned over the rail of the ship on a long and rough Atlantic crossing. He'd already turned several shades of green when a steward came along and tried to cheer him up: "Don't be discouraged, Sir. No one's ever died of seasickness.." The nauseated passenger replied, "Don't say that. The hope of dying is the only thing that's keeping me alive!" J136 -- Identity. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles.This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes." "There is one other thing,'' the driver said. "What is that?'' "Your name is on the front of your suitcase.'' 196J--Inferiority A patient complained to his psychiatrist, "Everyone takes advantage of me." The Doctor said, "Don't worry about that it's normal." The patient sighed with relief and said, "Really? Thanks. How much do I owe you?" The doctor said, "How much have you got? 184J-Ingenuity In Newark, a woman while reporting her car had been stolen, mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. J117-Integrity/Tongue Maybe you heard about the rich man who came to the preacher of a church and said, "Preacher, my brother just died, and I need you to do the funeral. If you simply say at some point in the sermon that he was a saint, I'll give a $100,000 to this church." Well this put the preacher in an ethical dilemma, because the deceased man was as carnal as they come. He hadn't attended church in years, he was unfaithful to his wife and disrespectful of the Lord. Reluctantly he agreed to do the service for the man's brother. When he began his eulogy he said, "Listen folks, the deceased man was wicked, he was an embezzler, a womanizer, you name it, he did it----but compared to his brother---he was a Saint!" TS--We like to compare ourselves with the person that is not quite as spiritual as we are, always to the carnal, never to Christ 155J-Knowledge/Perception One day a group of men were sitting around discussing the advantage of having a good alarm clock. One man said, "I don't need an alarm clock in my bedroom to tell time. If I wake up in the middle of the night, all I have to do is reach over and pat my wife on the cheek. Immediately she'll say, "What are you doing? It's three o'clock in the morning!" 146J--Lifestyle/Preaching Christian author and preacher Stephen Brown said a woman in his church came up to him and said, We've always had preachers in the past who told us that they sinned, but you're the first one we've ever believed!" 197J--*Love/Valentines (good joke to tell on another staff member, we'll call him Bill) Back several years ago Bill agreed to go on a triple date to a breakfast banquet. He asked a girl out, but he confessed to his buddies his fear of not knowing what to say. His friends assured him, just follow our lead. Do whatever we do . When they arrived at the breakfast, the first guy looked across the table and very romantically said to his date, "Pass the sugar, sweety." The next guy, looked across the table and said, Pass the syrup-HONEY. The pressure was on Bill. Bill looked across the table and said, "Pass the tea-BAG! TS-Fortunately, he has improved, a little bit. 198J--Marriage/Ingratitude Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?", she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck." *J118-Marriage A woman was at a social gathering of some ladies. When it came time to leave, she found her car door was locked and her keys were in the ignition. Knowing that she had an appointment in an hour, she reluctantly went in the house and called her husband. He had to leave in the middle of an important meeting at work and drive 20 miles to the house. While the ladies were waiting for him to arrive they realized that the passenger door was unlocked. Her friend looked at her and said, "What are you going to do?" She replied, "I'm gonna do what any decent wife would do." She reached in, locked the door and slammed it shut! TS-- Everyone deals with guilt in different ways! J124-Flexibility/Marriage A Doctor gave an older couple a terrible report concerning the health of the husband. Afterwards he requested to speak privately with the wife. He said, "The bad news is your husband has about a week to live. The good news is that if you really pamper him, bring him breakfast in bed, give him a foot massage every morning and a back rub every night, give him 3 home cooked meals a day, be as affectionate as when you first got married, and let him play golf every day, THEN he could last another 3 months." She came out to the waiting room, and her curious husband said, "What did the Doctor say?" She bluntly replied, "He says you've got a week to live!" J126--Marriage/Revenge A State Trooper pulled over a couple speeding down the highway, then asked the man to step out of the car and show him his license. The trooper asked, "Did you realize you were going 85 miles an hour back there?" The man said, "Officer, that would be impossible. I'm the most law-abiding driver you've ever seen. I never exceed the speed limit, no matter my circumstances." The policeman leaned into the window of the car and asked the wife, "Is that true?" "No Officer, it's not, he drives like a maniac, he speeds wherever he goes, his driving scares me to death." The policeman wrote out a ticket. Then he said, "I also noticed you didn't have your seat belt on, which is against the law in this state. Officer, I value life too highly, that's my motto." The policeman asked the wife, "Is that true? " "Are you kidding? I've never seen him wear a seat belt, you'd probably find cobwebs in his seat belt." The policeman wrote him another ticket. About that time, the man leaned in the window and screamed, "Woman, what are you trying to do to me? Keep your big nose out of my business!" The officer said, "Maam, does he always talk to you like that?"She replied, "Only when he's drunk." 175J--Marriage/Truth A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one evening when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" shouted the husband. She said, "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it, who is she?" Oh honey, the man chuckled, Mary Lou is the name of the horse I bet on at the track last week! The wife felt bad for accusing her husband of being unfaithful and she apologized to him. A couple of days later the husband was once again sitting in his chair again his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "Ouch, what's wrong now? The wife replied, "Your horse called!" J137 -- Marriage. A little boy had learned in Sunday school class about Adam and Eve. He learned about how Adam was formed, and then God took a rib from Adam and made Eve, Adam's wife. Later in the week, the little boy came down from his bedroom holding his side. He said he had a pain in his stomach. He told his mom he thought he was having a wife. J138 -- Marriage. Ann Landers letter, July 25, 1998. Dear Ann: In a recent column, you asked for the secret of how those World War II marriages endured. My marriage to Mrs. King has "endured" for over 60 years, and we have been very happy. The secret - she makes all the minor decisions, and I make all the major ones. So far, nothing major has come up." -- CK in Walnut Creek, California. 156J--Marriage It's like the guy who said to his wife, "I wouldn't marry you again if you were the only woman in the world." She replied, "I know you wouldn't, you'd get killed in the stampede." 157J--Marriage A couple went to bed after a day spent celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says, "When we were young, you used to hold my hand each night." Slowly, his hand reached out and grasps hers. "And when we were young," she continued, "you used to snuggle up against me in bed." A little more slowly, her husband's body creaks and turns until it is nestling against hers. "And when we were young, you used to nibble on my ear." Abruptly the man jumped out of bed in a huff. "Where are you going?" she disappointedly asked. He said, "I'm going to get my teeth!" 185J--Marriage/Love An old man is sitting on a street corner sobbing uncontrollably. A guy stops and says, "What's wrong?" The man says, "I'm 85 years old, I am married to a 22 year old gorgeous blonde who is madly in love with me." The guy says, "So why are you crying?" The old fellow looks up with tears in his eyes and says, "because I can't remember where I live!" 186J-Memory/Marriage Two elderly couples were riding in a car one day, the men up front and the women in back. One man asked the other, "Have you been to any great restaurants lately?" "Oh yes, the other man replied, Just last night we had a great meal at uhh, well, uhh. Well my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be, what's the name of that long stemmed flower with the thorns on it?" His friend replied, "A rose." "Yeah that's it." Looking over his shoulder he asked his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we liked so much.?" 176J--Mistakes/Adversity A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all cried in an excited frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't! 158J--Money/Government A constituent called his congressman and asked, "How long does it take the government to spend $10 billion?" The congressman, who was busy on another phone, said, "Just a minute." The citizen said, "That's what I thought," and hung up! 166J--Money Comedian Ken Davis said, "I saw my daughter with a string tied around around her tooth and the other end tied to a doorknob. So I said, "Let me examine that tooth", Why it's not even loose! His daughter said, "Leave me alone Dad, I need the money!" TS--There's a Big Difference Between a Need and a Want. Like the woman at the well I was seeking for things that could not satisfy. J107-Motivation/Revenge Muhammad Ali says that when he was a child his parents gave him a brand new bicycle. A few days later someone stole it. A policeman asked him what he was going to do if he caught the boy who stole it. Ali said that he didn't know. So the policeman took him to the gym and began teaching him how to box. Ali said, "To this day I never found my bike, but every time I got in the ring, I'd look across at my opponent and say to myself, that's the guy who stole my bike!" J119-Needs/Exercise It's like the church family life center, that got a call from a lady saying, "I want to sign up for the aerobics class that starts next week." The secretary said, "Bring $10 and wear loose fitting clothing." The lady said, "If I had any 'loose fitting clothing'--I wouldn't need the aerobics class!" 187J--New Years/Culture Things to ponder this new year. -- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. -- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? -- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? -- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? -- What was the best thing before sliced bread? -- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. -- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -- Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior? J139 -- Organization. A police officer pulled over a speeder and asked to see his license. The man looked up and said, "Why don't you people get organized? First you take away my license, then you ask to see it!" J127--Parenting A woman in Billings, Montana relates that some friends received a telephone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone talking with his daughter. In a few moments, the father rejoined the group and spoke of the newlyweds first fight. The father tersely said, "She said she wanted to come home."The mother asked, "What did you tell her?" The father said, "I told her she was home." TS-- There's a tremendous temptation for parents to protect their children against hurt when they face adversity. Instead of helping the situation you may be making escape from commitment too easy. 159J--Parenting/Wisdom When you have three young boys it's hard to know who to blame if something goes wrong in the house. One father explains how he solves the problem. "I send all three to bed without letting them watch TV. In the morning, I spank the one with the black eye!" J128--Parenting/Obedience A teenage boy was about to turn 16, and he wanted to get his driver's license on his birthday. His father gave him permission provided he met three conditions. A clean room, improved grades and a much needed haircut. Then his dad said that he could get his license. His birthday rolled around and his dad said, "Sorry, your rooms clean, your grades are up but you didn't get your haircut." The boy said, "Aw come on dad, let me get my driver's license." His father said, "I'm sorry son, but you didn't get that haircut." The boy began pleading, "But dad Jesus had long hair." And the father replied, "That's right, ---and Jesus WALKED everywhere he went! 167J--Parenting/Teenagers There's a cartoon which shows a teenager who has a nose ring, baggy clothes and spiked hair. He says to a friend, "I don't really like dressing this way, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go." 177J-*Participation/Fatigue A Newspaper Article on Fatigue Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, underarm odor, iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, middle-age, yellow-wax build up and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. But now I find out, tain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked! The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are retired, there are 75 million in school, there are 22 million employed by the government, 4 million are in the armed services, which leaves 15 million to work. Take from that total the 14,800,00 people who work for state and local government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Bow there are 11,988 people in prison. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired! 168J--Perception Just last month (10-17-98) New York police officers found themselves in a high speed chase of a stolen vehicle. The vehicle was a Dunkin Donuts van. The driver was making early morning deliveries when someone stole the van from the curbside. Even the officers admitted how embarrassing chasing a donut van through the city was. One officer said he was glad not many people were out, but he did wonder if those watching thought that they desperately wanted a creme donut. J108-Perseverance Did you hear about the lady waiting for a bus, and each day she saw a man that kind of hung around the bus stop, poorly dressed, occasionally people would come up and hand him money and whisper a word of encouragement to him. One morning the woman was in a generous mood and she gave him $10 and said, Never Despair,The next day, the man came up and gave the lady a $100 bill, she said, What's this for? He said, Never Despair won the 3rd race at 10-1 odds! 188J--Perseverance/Retaliation There was a scrawny college student that the professor loved to pickon. One day the prof, came over smacked him. And he said, "Hey boy, that was a karate chop from Korea." Slowly the boy gets back in his seat. Several minutes later, the teacher comes over and flips the student on the ground. And he says, "Hey boy, that was Judo from Japan." When the teacher resumed teacher the boy crawled his way to safety, but he returned 10 minutes later and he blind sided the teacher and knocked him out cold. The student said, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!" 189J--Persistence I heard about a kid that went trick or treating, he had a red, white and blue boxing outfit on, and a black eye, he rang the door bell at a home, and the people asked, Who are you. and the kid said I'm Rocky. How nice, and they gave him a big candy bar and closed the door. A couple of seconds later the doorbell rang again. They opened the door and there stood the same kid, they said, we already gave you candy. (Who are you now,) I'm Rocky 2! 190J--Prayer/Dependence on God Dear Lord, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lost my temper, lusted, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over indulgent. However, in a few minutes I'm going to get out of bed. From that point on I'm going to need your help! 178J--Prayer/Culture A mother was teaching her three year old the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night, the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end, when the child said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen! 147J--Preachers/Churches Have you seen the latest Chain letter for Churches who don't like their preacher? It starts out, "Simply send a copy of this letter to six other churches who are unhappy with their Preacher. Then bundle up your preacher and send him to the church at the top of the list. (notice: that our Senior Minister isn't here this weekend) Add your name to the bottom of the list and in one week you will receive 16,436 preachers. One of them should be just right for your church. Have faith in this letter. Don't break the chain. One man in Wyoming broke the chain and got his old preacher back!! 169J--Preaching A preacher preached for one hour and 20 minutes. As he was concluding a fellow got up and started walking out. The preacher hollered, "Where do you think you are going?" The man said, "To get a haircut!" The preacher said, "Why didn't you get it before you came?" The man replied, "I didn't need it then." 170J--Preparation/Hurry I heard about a guy that was riding in a taxi cab in metropolitan area, they came to a red light, and the taxi driver sailed right on through it. The man said, "Hey watch it that light was red." The cabbie said, "Don't worry my brother does it all the time." The next light they came to was red, and the cabbie barreled right on through. The man yelled, Hey pal you're going to get me killed." The driver said, "Oh don't worry about it, my brother does it all the time. The next light they came to was Green. And the driver slammed his brakes on. The rider said, "What's your problem, the lights green? And the driver said, "Yeah but you never know when my brother might be coming through." 148J--Pride/Giftedness A car skidded on some wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, injuring the driver. A woman rushed over to help, but was pushed aside by a man who barked, "Step aside. I've taken a course in first-aid." After a moment, the woman politely tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Pardon me, but when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here." 149J--Pride Football Coach Don Shula tells of vacationing at a small seaside town in Maine, where they could relax without people recognizing them. When they arrived, it was raining so they decided to go see a movie. When they entered the theatre, the house lights were on and they were surprised that the small handful of people gave them a warm little round of applause as they took a seat. Secretly pleased, Shula whispered to his wife, "I guess there isn't any place I'm not known." I guess not, she replied with a touch of sarcasm. A man came over with a friendly smile and shook hands with Shula and his wife. Shula said, I'm surprised that you know me here? Should I know you? asked the man, puzzled. We're just glad to see you folks, the manager said he wouldn't start the film until at least ten people came in. 109J-Revenge/Rejection Maybe you heard about the Desert Storm soldier who while he was overseas received a Dear John letter from his girlfriend back home in the states. To add insult to injury, she wrote, "Will you please return my favorite photograph of myself-- I need it for my engagement picture in the local newspaper." The poor guy was devastated, but all the soldiers came to his rescue. They went throughout the entire camp and collected pictures of all the guys' girlfriends. They filled up an entire shoe box and sent it to the girl along with a note from the guy saying, "Please find your picture, and return the rest,---for the life of me, I can't remember which one you were!!" TS--The apostle Paul, said, "Whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap." J110-Security/Stress In one of the Peanut's Comic strips it shows Linus holding onto his blanket. The caption reads, "Only one yard of flannel stands between me and a nervous breakdown." J129-Second Coming A tourist driving through western Texas stopped at a gas station and observed a piece of rope dangling from a sign labeled "Weather Forecaster." The tourist inquired, "How can you possibly tell the weather with a piece of rope?" "It's simple sonny," the old timer replied, "When the rope swings back and forth, its windy, when it gets wet, its raining, when its frozen stiff, it's snowing and when it's gone-Tornado!" TS--Jesus told us His return was imminent, certainly all the signs clearly point to his second coming. 179J--Service/Willingness The boy scouts were asked by their scoutmaster if they had done their good deed for the day. One boy didn't raise his hand, and the scoutmaster said, Excuse yourself until you've done your good deed for the day. About 5 minutes later, the boy returned, he was badly beaten up, and his clothes were torn. The scoutmaster said, Have you done your good deed for the day? Yes the boy replied, "I helped an old lady across the street." Well what happened? The boy replied, "She didn't want to go!" J140 -- Sin. A preacher retired and moved to the country. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young boy came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job, he bartered with the boy until they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?" The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?" The kid said, "Yep." "Well, how do you do it? Tell me!" the frustrated preacher yelled. The kid replied, "You have to cuss it." The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." With wisdom beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya." 180J--Teamwork Maybe you heard about the 80 yr. Old pilot who went for his annual physical, and this year he had a different doctor. The dr. checked his eyesight, and said, you are nearly blind, I can't in good conscience pass you. The guy said, Dr. flying is my life, He replied, Yeah , but on the Eye chart, you can't even see the big E, how can you land an airplane? The man said, Teamwork, The doctor said, Teamwork? How's that? The old timer said, When we come in for a landing, I just push down on the throttle, and I watch my co-pilot, when he goes AHHH, I pull back the throttle and we land! TS-Now that's teamwork! J120-Temptation/Lust It's like the young man who asked the old priest, Father, when will I be freed from the lust of the flesh, The priest replied, "I wouldn't trust myself until I'd been dead for 3 days." 160J-Wisdom/Direction A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house and Grandpa got out of the car. The polite officer explained that the elderly man claimed that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. The discouraged wife said, "Oh this is terrible, he's been walking to that park for 30 years. How could you get lost?" Leaning close to Bessie he whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home!" 199J--Work One Saturday morning a dad opened his briefcase at home and sat working. His first grad boy asked, "Dad, What are you doing?" He said, "I didn't get all my work finished and had to bring some home." The boy said, ""When you go back to work Monday, why don't you ask them to put you in a slower group?" J130--Worship Styles Maybe you heard of the man who accidentally found himself in a snake-handling church. As they began to pass the big rattlesnake up and down each row, he nervously looked around and saw only a main exit down front. Turning to his neighbor, he asked, "Where's the back door?" The man responded, "We ain't got one." To which the visitor replied, "Where would you like to have one?" TS-Why did you come to church today? Just to evaluate a performance, or did you come in order to worship the Lord. 150J--Worth/Significance* Did you hear that the Vatican bought a new limousine for the Pope? The pontiff examined the beautiful new car, complete with tinted windows, sleek styling, and every option imaginable. He asked his chauffeur if he could take it out for a spin. After much discussion he reluctantly turned over the keys with the warning, Be careful. As he got driving he got going 60 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. A policeman turned his siren on and pulled him over. The Pope pushed the electronic button and the power window came down. The officer was astonished, and said, Uhh, excuse me your holiness, would you wait right here? The officer radioed headquarters, and said, Chief, I just pulled over a very important person for speeding but I don't think I can give him a ticket. The Chief said is he more important than the President of Italy? Yes! Is he more important than the President of Germany? Yes. Well is he more important than the President of the United States? Yes. The Chief asked, Well who is he? The officer replied, I don't know. The chief said What do you mean you don't know. The guy said, I don't know who HE is, but his chauffeur is the Pope! TS-It really doesn't make any difference whether you are the chauffeur or the person being chauffeur, we are all important to God. 200J-Worth/Family Comedian Jerry Clower once told about a country woman who lived near a construction site. Workers were putting in a tar roof on a building near her house. This woman had 16 children and one day her youngest wandered away and she couldn't find him. She discovered he had fallen into a 50 gallon drum of roofing tar. She reached in and pulled him out and took a long look at him. She said, "Boy, it would be a lot easier to have another one than to clean you up!" TS-God has chosen you and he was willing to purchase you with the blood of his son, in spite of the filth of your sin. Copyright 1999 Whirlwind Resources/Help 4 Sunday "I know , my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity." (NIV 1 Chronicles 29:17a) Duplication, Forwarding or Re-transmission without the express written consent of Whirlwind Resources/Help 4 Sunday, is prohibited.